Sunday, February 11, 2007

Nothing And Nowhere

I haven't spent a night in my own bed in over a week. Now, here I sit at home and I can't sleep. I want to sleep and just put an end to this day. I work again in less than ten hours.

Work. That has become my life in an all encompassing fashion and I'm pretty sure I am less of a person because of it.

Honestly, today I came as close to having a complete mental and physical breakdown as I have since I packed my bags and took off to Hawaii in the summer on three hours notice. I also came as close to crying today (apparently, I am a pussy) as I have in almost three years. Almost to the day. Two days after my brother died.

None of it had to do with work, I think. I mean, it was just a big build up of events punctuated by an accident this evening. I lost it. I came on here to write and hope that some relief can come from it. I'm tired and my eyes hurt. My neck hurts from the accident.

I couldn't even talk to anyone on the phone. I tried having a couple conversations, one with the girlfriend and one with the lifemate, but I just wanted to end it and could feel myself inching closer to breaking down.

I don't know what to do about the trip now. Coachella? I have tickets, but might have to sell them. Australia? I might have to push it back. Seriously, this whole thing is fucked. Proper fucked.

I think I just need time to breathe.


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