Saturday, November 04, 2006

Are We Breathing, Are We Wasting Our Breath

I don't know about you, but I am tired.

Sick and tired.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I am also sick and tired of being portrayed as this asshole and this douchebag that I'm told I am being from time to time.

When I sit down and look at the situations that have gotten me to where I am today, I look at them with open and honest eyes. I know where I am, how I got here and what it is I need to do to change. The ultimate question is, can I?

I don't know. I mean, the problem is pretty deep rooted. I have talked about it here and with people close to me at great lengths. The end all of it is that I have the complete inability to open up to anyone. I try, but I can't. The thing about it is that I have always been somewhat okay with it. I dealt with problems by myself and on my own time. It worked great for me and that is all that mattered. To me.

The result of my "dealing" is that I have always ended coming off as this asshole or this douchebag who ignores people or dissapears and in doing so, I push those close to me away. I push away those I care about. I pushed away that girlfriend. I pushed away that friend.

I'm in a good place now and trying to mend a couple fences that I was unaware I broke. I have my shit together as much as I think most people can have their shit together. I am also going to lift up this huge rock that has been sitting on my shoulders and then crawl under it. That is to say that besides at work, most people really won't be seeing much of me.

Someone once wrote that 'you are only as good as the people you surround yourself with.' Recently, due to dealing, I have been replacing someone I care deeply about with people that are all fun and no substance. I'm sorry. I'm just going to take some time off and hopefully surround myself with people of substance.

I need to sit down, relax and just breathe.

I need to enjoy the peace and quite.

I need to stop rambling.

That is what I am doing.

I'm gone.

Currently Listening To: Tokyo Police Club - Citizens of Tomorrow


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