Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Hand That Feeds

I've had a very weird relationship with my friends over the years. I 've come out before and said that I pride myself on being there for any one of my friends when and whenever they need me. I love my friends and would do anything for them. Period.

So when I get a phone call from my life mate at 2:00 am and hear her crying, I don't care where I am or if I'm mad at her, I'm on my way to see her in 2 seconds flat. When I'm sitting and having coffee with another friend and she breaks down and confides in me that she may or may not have cervical cancer and it may or may not have spread throughout her body, I am with her to talk about it and with her when she goes to the doctor. I'm also there to drive a friend to court because he got drunk and stupid and I'm there to talk to him when his girlfriend dumps him.

People, for some stupid reason, open up to me and confide in me. I'm not complaining at all, it is, in the end, what I want. I want to be a good friend and I want the people I love to know that they can open up about anything with me.

Now with that said, I have the complete inability to open up to anyone. Sure if people ask about certain subjects I'll answer, but I'll answer just enough to give them what they want to hear. Some people hear more and know more about me than others, but even my life mate doesn't get everything out of me. I can't talk to her about a lot of things I want to talk about. I don't know why, I mean, I want to. It's, well, weird.

Instead of opening up and talking about what's bothering me, I avoid problems and avoid talking about anything. I put on the happy face and go about having fun and hanging out with people removed from the situation. Lately, it's starting to take a turn for the worse though. What started with a couple of text messages received while sitting on a hotel bed has turned into a full blown issue.

I've long been wary of alcohol. I'm the only guy I know that takes months off from drinking anything at all to cleanse the body and keep check on the habit. About 2/3 months ago I figured I'd quit for good. No drinking, save for a glass of wine or beer over dinner or conversation. Yet, with those text messages, I've fallen right back into drinking. Though this time, I haven't been drinking for fun. I've been turning into a person I'm relating to Chan Marshall. I don't drink every day like her and, unlike her, I understand why I'm doing it. But I am still sitting here refusing to talk and open up to people, and I am sitting and writing for hours and hours. I am going out pretending everything is okay. It's not.

I'm sorry this is so disjointed and misplaced, so I'm going to cut off this stream of consciousness before I piss myself off.


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