Dirty Whirlwind

There are days when I sit down and think that I could come on here and write for hours. There are also days when I sit down and want to write for hours but can't come up with anything beyond lyrical masturbation.

For those that know me or are close to me, you know I have both a lot to say and, well, nothing to say at all. I go through periods of intense focus and desire only to come out ready to stick both thumbs in the air and say how great I am. No talk of the experiences I've been through, people I've met and loved. No talk about anything of substance, beyond the occasional half assed apology or regret filled letter to someone I never name. But have named.

I don't know what to say because I've already said it. I've come on here and wrote about not wanting to turn this into a diary or journal filled with depressing posts of longing, loss and misunderstanding. I don't want to sit here and complain. I hate complaining. That's why when I have problems, I don't talk about them and just leave certain situations completely.

Why would I have something to complain about though? My life is great. I have an amazing family. I have an amazing group of close friends whom I love with all of my heart. I have two jobs that provide me both flexibility and an income with which I live a pretty damn good lifestye. I'm thankful for all of this. I am. Yet, I want more. I need more. Ambitions and dreams are starting to take precedence over everything else.

I've thought long and hard lately about creating a drastic change. A change I've told no one about. Well, that's a lie, I've told one person. With each passing day it seems more and more appealing. We'll see what happens with that, but rest assured that many people will be shocked or upset. What can I say, 23 years filled with broken promises, why stop now.