Thursday, September 01, 2005

Caring Is Creepy

I am an asshole.

I am, it's as simple as that.

I usually don't find myself caring much about anything and it has been a problem (or gift) of mine for quite some time. I don't care what people think about me and I don't care if I offend people if it means expressing what I truely believe in. The only notable exception to the above is that I care more about my friends and my family than I do about myself. I may be a sarcastic son of a bitch and I may make fun of them, but don't think for a second that it is ever done with the intent to hurt. I would probably do anything for a friend and I care more about what they think and feel than is probably healthy. In fact, seeing some one I love or care about get hurt, upset or just generally in a bad way is my kryptonite.

Now with that said, I have found myself in a wee bit of a pickle the last couple of months. Stuck between two friends and stuck keeping secrets and lies that normally wouldn't be a problem. In the past I have been the friend of guys and girls who have cheated on their "significant others." I have been the friend that has known about it and kept their secret because it was told to me in confidence and I didn't really know the SO well enough to care about what was going on. Now here I am in a situation where I care about two people and know both sides of the story, but sit here typing about it rather than talking about it.

Should I tell both of them what I know? Should I keep my mouth shut? I've been asking myself these questions every god damn day. Before you jump down my throught for this, hear me out a little more.

I've been friends with "A" longer than I have been with friend "B." Even though I have been friends with "A" longer, I feel closer and a better friend with "B". Everything I know I was told in confidence and I have always believed that when told something as a seceret, it should stay a seceret. I mean, what are you if you don't have your word? I'm not saying "B" is better than "A" or vice versa, it's just I see one getting more and more emotionally involved in the situation than the other and thats what is killing me. When this started, both looked at it for what it was. Fun. I knew about things that were going on behind eachothers backs and I didn't think much of it because I figured neither would get hurt. It's just when you start bringing emotions into situations that are already fucked to begin with that you start developing problems.

I know I haven't gone into specifics, and for good reason. I am getting mentally screwed over the situation. I don't want to call anyone out or get involved in the situation more than I have. I have actually lost sleep over this the last little while and it all comes back to me caring about my friends. I don't know what to do, but don't mistake this as asking for advice. I think it is simply a release, just a way to get this out of my system.

Caring Is Creepy


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