Friday, March 18, 2005

Requiem For A Day

You know what the best feeling in the world is? When you lay down to bed after a good day. When you are so content and fulfilled that there is nothing to do, but lay down and fall into a dream. When you have a good day, you smile and laugh. You realize that things aren't really as bad as you originally thought and you forget about everything except being happy. You soak up the sun, the warmth, the love, the happiness and the joy. You love yourself, everyone and everything around you. At the end of a good day absolutely nothing could take away that natural high. Oh, I remember it so well.

Over the past week, there have been no days like that. I have had good moments, but like a bad rash I have been haunted by many memories. Haunted by the memories of those good days. The days spent in happiness and bliss. Even days that seemed so so or didn't seem like much at the time are beautiful in hindsight. My memories are like music. Almost like a requiem for all the days spent in happiness and in love. As beautiful as they are, they do nothing but play solemnly in my mind. Softly and slowly.

Over the course of this week, there has been one quote that has kept me going, although ever so slowly. It was written by Ralph Waldo Emerson and fits beautifully into what I have written thus far:

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as
you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with
too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

I must have read those words a thousand times in the past 8 days and I must have repeated the words over a million more in my head. However, I cannot forget the blunders and absurdities and I cannot silence the requiem playing in my head. The music, the memories are there. Ingrained into my very being and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't ever want to forget them and I don't ever want to live without them. Fuck, I wouldn't be ME without them. I just wish that it was possible to silence them for a few days, tuck them away in a closet like Christmas decorations and then just bring them out when I felt like looking at something beautiful.

Are memories like a photo album? Can you tuck them away and bring them out? If you can tuck them away, will you ever find them in all that clutter? Will they be lost in a maze of memories and moments that you would rather forget or will they be placed perfectly with all the happy and joyful moments? These questions I have yet to answer. I tried to remember ever feeling the way I do now and if so what I did to get through it. Problem being, I can't seem to sort through all the clutter. I sit here searching... for an answer or for peace of mind, I dont know; But, All the while the requiem is playing in my head. The requiem for a day, for that good day when you lay down, fulfilled, happy and content.


Blogger Darcy said...

Sit inside your sadness and emotions, really experience them. Just because they're labelled as bad, doesn't mean they should be negated. So take in the experience, feel it through and know it. This is a really important part of your life right now, carving you up and tearing you apart, but that is a part of growing and becoming a whole complete person. The pain is just as important as the joy. To know the bad is to cherrish the good - the meaning is in the contrast.
And know too that the pain won't last forever. You will feel those happy days and feelings again. I promise.
Oh, and the memories will stay with you as long as you continue to pull them out from time to time to love and enjoy and experience them.

6:39 PM  
Blogger Darcy said...

I was just thinking how pretentious my first comment must sound. I am in now way suggesting that I know exactly what you are experiencing right now, but I have gone through things like this before. I just wanted to share what I got from it, hoping it might help you.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Darcy said...

Shit, typo. "I am in no* way..."

11:01 AM  
Blogger Geoff said...

It's okay, I understand what your trying to do and I appreciate it. The only problem that I have is that you seem so un-fazed by all of this. You seem happy and like you've already moved on or are over it. If you are happy and over this then thats great, I'm happy for you. It just adds that extra something that I have to deal with.

1:40 PM  

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