Life Is a Whirlwind
I came on here planning to finish the second part of my look at the Terry Shiavo Case, but I don't really know what is going to come out of this now (I will say that I have written the second part, I just need to re-read/edit it out)
I had a big family Easter dinner tonight, which is always a joy. For those four hours, every and all problems with the world are forgotten. There is just so much love, compassion and emotion flowing throughout everyone that it is hard not to get caught up in it. I wish that everyone had a family as large as mine, the mood created when so many people that love eachother come together is enchanting. I must have been grinning from ear to ear the whole night because when I left my face actually hurt. I forgot how that felt.
I left around 9ish to go to my buddies apartment feeling on top of the world, almost euphoric. On my way there I made a quick stop at a gas station to get a drink because we planned on watching a movie. How I wish I never made that stop. Well back to the story. I strolled into the gas station with the water bottles in plain sight, I made a left around the potato chip aisle and opened the door. As I removed a one liter bottle of Polaris, I turned around to a familiar voice saying loudly:
"Boshell... What the fuck is up buddy?!"
It was an old friend I hadn't seen in a while... on purpose. Well we got to shooting the shit and filling eachother in on what has been going on in our lives, when a bomb was dropped. A big bomb. For certain reasons I won't go into, I won't divulge the "rumor" that he told me. However, I will say it wasn't good. It opened an old wound. A very sensitive old wound and one I had hoped was closed. I'm still in shock over it all actually. After he closed his mouth, I began speaking strictly in vowels. All that was coming out was "eeee, uhhhhh, aaaaaa, oooooo."
I really didn't want to be there anymore, so I rather abruptly ended the conversation and took off down the street. I pulled up to my buddies apartment, sat down and watched a movie. I didn't tell him anything even though it wasn't about him. I just sat and stared at the screen. Mind racing. Heart pumping. Breathing Rapidly. I sat for two hours without saying a word and then when the movie was over tried my best to carry a conversation. It's actually quite funny how normal you can make yourself look and act when trying to conceal pain.
Anyways, I left around 12:30 to go home with my heart still racing and my thoughts still swirling. I Drove from North Van to downtown all the while watching the rain streak across the windshield. Drop by drop, streak by streak, I watched the lives of hundreds of people pass me by. Then my heart stopped racing and my thoughts stopped swirling. I missed one light on the corner across from 'Mission Possible' because I was entranced by an old woman in a winter jacket sitting on the ground. Soaking wet, she just sat their shivering, shaking and rubbing her hands together. I wanted so badly to get out and offer her the sleeping bag that was in my trunk or the umbrella that was in the back seat. While I sat there, the rain kept falling, drop by drop the rain covered my windows. Slowly running down and building up, ever so slowly the rain fell, fogging my view to the point where she disappeared from sight. When it was over and I drove off, it was as if it were a mirage in the barren wasteland of downtown Vancouver.
I sit here now thinking about life. About what each life is worth and how a seemingly random crossing of paths can impact someone so deeply. I drive through the streets of Vancouver almost daily and each day I drive by the poor, the disenfranchised and the homeless. Each day I drive by people with families that have forgotten them or people that came here in hope of a life and instead found death in the form of addiction. Each day I just drive by.
Tonight... I stopped. For those two minutes I was parked at a light on Powell street I was held. In the exact opposite way than my family dinner earlier in the night, I was euphoric again. The passion and the very thing I call life was shaken to the core. Just chalk up another one to the number of enlightening moments I've had the past 3 days. Its so hard to put into words the things that are running through my head right now. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and then got hit in the head with a shovel. A shovel in the form of an old, haggard woman sitting on the sidewalk, alone, in the rain.
I had a big family Easter dinner tonight, which is always a joy. For those four hours, every and all problems with the world are forgotten. There is just so much love, compassion and emotion flowing throughout everyone that it is hard not to get caught up in it. I wish that everyone had a family as large as mine, the mood created when so many people that love eachother come together is enchanting. I must have been grinning from ear to ear the whole night because when I left my face actually hurt. I forgot how that felt.
I left around 9ish to go to my buddies apartment feeling on top of the world, almost euphoric. On my way there I made a quick stop at a gas station to get a drink because we planned on watching a movie. How I wish I never made that stop. Well back to the story. I strolled into the gas station with the water bottles in plain sight, I made a left around the potato chip aisle and opened the door. As I removed a one liter bottle of Polaris, I turned around to a familiar voice saying loudly:
"Boshell... What the fuck is up buddy?!"
It was an old friend I hadn't seen in a while... on purpose. Well we got to shooting the shit and filling eachother in on what has been going on in our lives, when a bomb was dropped. A big bomb. For certain reasons I won't go into, I won't divulge the "rumor" that he told me. However, I will say it wasn't good. It opened an old wound. A very sensitive old wound and one I had hoped was closed. I'm still in shock over it all actually. After he closed his mouth, I began speaking strictly in vowels. All that was coming out was "eeee, uhhhhh, aaaaaa, oooooo."
I really didn't want to be there anymore, so I rather abruptly ended the conversation and took off down the street. I pulled up to my buddies apartment, sat down and watched a movie. I didn't tell him anything even though it wasn't about him. I just sat and stared at the screen. Mind racing. Heart pumping. Breathing Rapidly. I sat for two hours without saying a word and then when the movie was over tried my best to carry a conversation. It's actually quite funny how normal you can make yourself look and act when trying to conceal pain.
Anyways, I left around 12:30 to go home with my heart still racing and my thoughts still swirling. I Drove from North Van to downtown all the while watching the rain streak across the windshield. Drop by drop, streak by streak, I watched the lives of hundreds of people pass me by. Then my heart stopped racing and my thoughts stopped swirling. I missed one light on the corner across from 'Mission Possible' because I was entranced by an old woman in a winter jacket sitting on the ground. Soaking wet, she just sat their shivering, shaking and rubbing her hands together. I wanted so badly to get out and offer her the sleeping bag that was in my trunk or the umbrella that was in the back seat. While I sat there, the rain kept falling, drop by drop the rain covered my windows. Slowly running down and building up, ever so slowly the rain fell, fogging my view to the point where she disappeared from sight. When it was over and I drove off, it was as if it were a mirage in the barren wasteland of downtown Vancouver.
I sit here now thinking about life. About what each life is worth and how a seemingly random crossing of paths can impact someone so deeply. I drive through the streets of Vancouver almost daily and each day I drive by the poor, the disenfranchised and the homeless. Each day I drive by people with families that have forgotten them or people that came here in hope of a life and instead found death in the form of addiction. Each day I just drive by.
Tonight... I stopped. For those two minutes I was parked at a light on Powell street I was held. In the exact opposite way than my family dinner earlier in the night, I was euphoric again. The passion and the very thing I call life was shaken to the core. Just chalk up another one to the number of enlightening moments I've had the past 3 days. Its so hard to put into words the things that are running through my head right now. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and then got hit in the head with a shovel. A shovel in the form of an old, haggard woman sitting on the sidewalk, alone, in the rain.
posted by Geoff at 2:14 AM
5 Comments:
This sounds like quite the amazing time in your life. Pivotal perhaps even. I want very much for you to be happy and these enlightening moments you speak of sound promising.
Amazing? Doesnt feel that way. I feel as though Im being forced through the motions and everything that comes with it. Basically, the enlightening moments have been in learn or die situations. I could sit in the same place, suffer the same pains, live life truly unhappy or realize the problems and do something to make myself feel better. So promising... maybe.
hmm
Upon reading that again I feel as though I spoke to soon. What I'm trying to say is that right now it doesn't feel amazing to me. In time, looking back on it all, maybe it will turm out to be a pivotal point in my life. Just sitting here in the moment it's hard to soak it all up... You know what I mean (It's hard to find the right words)
I think I know what you mean. And I also meant to clarify my use of the word "amazing." I didn't mean it in an overwhelmingly positive sense -amazing perhaps doesn't necessarily mean wonderfully good (to me anyhow), but just powerful, intense. Something along those lines.
From what you've been writing, it seems like this is a really transformative time in your life, perhaps with thoughts and feelings you've never felt before, and that usually happens when things are really crazy or changing or intense. They all seem to go hand in hand to an extent.
I'm rambling now (surprise!), but you know what I mean?
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