Sunday, March 06, 2005

In Search Of...

"What do I want to do?"

This is the question that I found myself pondering last night as I finished writing my blog. What do I want to do with my life? It's quite funny really, I spent my childhood and adolescence fantasizing about what it would be like to be an adult. What it would be like to be able to do anything and everything that I wanted and not worry about getting grounded or coming home before 11pm. Now here I stand, on the cusp of the biggest decisions of my life and I stand here like a child lost in the wilderness. Which way to go? What to do? It seems like every person feels a duty to throw their two cents in...

" Oh, your good with kids... Why don't you be a school teacher."
" You look like you should be a Cop... or a Firefighter."
" Why not just get a business degree and work in an office."

And it just keeps going on and on like that, day in and day out. I'm not bothered by it when people feel the need to quiz me on the subject. Hell, when I'm as old as you guys I'm going to ask the same questions to every punk teenager and University student I know. The problem I have with it is that I dont have an honost answer to give people. There are so many things that I want to do or think I want to do, I just end up telling people what I think it is that they want to hear. A little nod of the head and a, "hmm I've thought about that" and I send them on their way.

So with these thoughts swirling around in my head, I chose to retreat to my childhood. Take an introspective look at myself and what it is that I enjoyed doing as a kid and what it is that I enjoy doing now. While doing this, I stumbled upon an old box of stories and journals that I had written when I was probably about 10 or 11. I started reading them and remembered how much I enjoyed reading and writing back then. How I used to avoid the television to read a book or sit outside and write a story. I thought, this is what I like to do... this is it. Maybe i won't write novels, maybe just screenplays or short stories, but this is it. I think. Maybe. Fuck, I don't know.

Due to circumstances outside of my control I was forced to read textbooks for school most of today; However, whenever I felt that I had earned a break from that I came on the computer to "research" the fine art of writing. I found myself reading notes, how-to articles, scripts, books and basically anything that I stumbled upon that seemed like it could help me. After taking a couple 3 hour "breaks" I'm more scared now, then when I had no clue of what I wanted to do. It is an uneasy feeling when making decisions such as this one. It's almost like easing into cold or hot water, or taking off a bandaid. I know I should just jump in, get wet and get moving, but right now I'm holding back. I'm putting my toes in the water, but right now it's still a little cold for me. I'm a laid back guy and I want to take it slowly, but I feel as if that is the wrong approach here and I'm powerless to do anything. The thing is, I hold all the power. All I have to do is sit down and start. Fuck, what am I doing write now? I'm sitting here writing about writing. At least it's a start.


Blogger Darcy said...

I think that's really cool and I support you in all your endeavors, whatever you should choose. You should know by now that I'm a big fan of creative outlets and expressing oneself, so I fully support this writing mission.
I know that making decisions about life paths is incredibly scary and daunting, but I would suggest that you try not to think about it too much, and rather follow your intuition, let it guide your actions and choices. Brains comlicate things, but intuition and feeling will be true to your desires and self-fulfillment.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Geoff said...

Thing is, I don't really try to think about it that often. I've always been a fan of the idea that "IT", whatever it may be, will find me. The over-thinking comes from the people around me. It's hard to stay out of a certain mindframe when everyone around are asking the same questions.

12:30 PM  

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