Wednesday, March 09, 2005


I was raised most of my life in or around water. My family had a cabin in the Sunshine Coast and I was on a competitive swimming team for 8 0r 9 years. I am in no way shape or form afraid of drowning in water. However, I have always been afraid to express how I truly felt emotionally, for fear of 'drowning' metaphorically. Picture the kid that climbs up to the high dive or up on the cliffs and watches the people around him/her dive from way up high into the warm water below, all the while standing there shaking in pure terror. It looks safe. Hell, everyone around you is jumping in without a second thought. Yet, your afraid to jump because it would ultimately mean committing oneself emotionally, mentally and physically to an act in which he/she has no control over. Once you jump anything can happen, you just open yourself up and trust that you'll get through it alright. It's working for everyone else, why not you?

Well as my 21 plus years have sped by, I have stood on that ledge a handful of times. Walking up the ladder, only to succumb to my fears and then retreat back down to the safety of the ground... alone. Recently that all changed, I took the plunge. I dove off the cliff head first. I spread my wings and tried to express how deeply I felt for someone, only to be stuck underwater. I was slowly drowning, grasping for the surface and gasping for air. Hoping that a hand would reach down and pull me out. As much as I fought, I kept falling deeper and deeper. Is this how it works? When two people love eachother, is that not enough? I always loved John Lennon's song, "All you need is love." It's only now that I realize how wrong he was. I wish that it was true, fuck, I want so badly for it to be true. I'm floating here underwater praying that it's true.

Since this is the first time I've been stuck in the position I now find myself in, I sit here wondering if there is a switch that I can turn off. A switch that will just pull the plug, let the water recede and let me go back to normal. Is it possible to un-love someone when nothing has really gone wrong? Is it possible to un-love someone at all? Is it possible to forget the good times? Do I really want to? How could I want to? All these questions are swimming around in my heart and mind, but nothing has called out yet. The water that looked so warm from the cliffs above seems so so cold now. It's too early to tell how everything is going to play itself out. I just hope when/if I climb out of the water or get rescued I'm not all pruney.


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