Tuesday, March 15, 2005

And The Award Goes To...

And the award for most uncomfortably awkward moment in the history of awkward moments goes to...

My running into that ex-special someone this morning.

It was the first time since the break up that I have seen her and I have to say it was hard to stand there and not walk away. I don't hate her at all and it's not that I didn't want to see her, but standing there trying to make small talk with the person that you love, all the while knowing that things are not and most likely never will be the same was unbearable. I know that she will read this, so im going to try and make things as clear and concise as possible.

This is not what I wanted. Period. If I had my way, we would still be together and nothing would have changed. However, we are not together and whether she decided to do this, her heart decided to do this or her gut decided to do this, the fact remains that she broke things off. I don't like saying it like that and I sure as hell don't blame her for her feelings, but because of how it ended I cannot just reach out to her the way I would like to.

So in saying that, I cannot stand there and try to make things more comfortable. I mean, she knows everything that im feeling and I've said almost all I can say. So in any and all forms of communication, she has all of the control. If she wants to talk, all she has to do is pick up the phone, write an email, send me a message and I'll answer; but I cannot stand there and try to make her feel better about the situation. I just cannot when I am hurting.

When it comes to hugging goodbye, again, she has all control. Is there a risk that I won't hug back... maybe; But, SO WHAT! It was her choice to end things, im soooo sorry if I was and still am hurt by all of this. Hell, if I felt at all empowered in this situation I would have probably held her as tight as I could and never let go. Again though, this whole thing is out of my hands. So I guess what Im trying to say is that I'm sorry the situation was as uncomfortable as it was, but Im not apologizing in any way, shape or form for my lack of words and for not being more forward. The ball is out of my court and I dont like feeling as if it is being forced upon me.

To end, I just want to say that I am in no way mad at her. I hold zero resentment towards her. How could I be mad at someone who I love that is simply following their heart. Thats right, I can't. I am merely hurting at the fact that I cannot do anything. I feel alone & helpless, there is nothing I can say or do and it sucks. I just really hope she finds what she is looking for and whatever it is, that it's worth it.


Blogger Darcy said...

I meant to comment on this one earlier, but I'm only getting to it now.
Just because I have the control in the situation, doesn't mean it's easy. I feel like I was really in a lose-lose situation. I mean, no matter how I acted, it would have been bad. I could have acted like nothing happened and I wasn't phased by it, like running into any old aquaintance, or I could have tried to be really positive about it, risking coming off as insensitive to how you feel about it. I could have made the encounter brief and impersonal, or I could have made it too intimate, like nothing had changed between us. No matter what, I was screwed.
I'm sorry I didn't know how to handle it perfectly, I'm sorry it was akward and uncomfortable.
But on a brighter side, maybe that was the most akward encounter we'll have, and next time it won't be so bad and we both won't walk away feeling pooey. Here's to hoping.

6:27 PM  

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